Doubt
When I bought my laptop a few years ago, I put two vinyl stickers on it. The one on the keyboard case that said: FOCUS!!!!! has disappeared. (Ironically, I think I have internalized that one more than the other) The other one that I put on the lid, under the protective cover, has stayed true to this day and says: “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever could.”
It is easy to talk about failure, learning from failure, and pushing through. As a teacher, I discuss this topic with my students every single day. I do my best to empathize with them, to remember what it was like. The challenge with teaching, and with experience to a degree, is I can see the finish line and know that if they keep pushing, they can make it. I encourage them to try. To not view things as insurmountable. That is easy though when you understand that what you are doing is not impossible.
When something is dependent upon yourself, it seems easier. I think about losing weight or practicing. Over the past year I have lost over 30 pounds, gone down multiple sizes, and am in better health at 32 than I have been at any point in my life. What mattered wasn’t an idea or a picture of where I wanted to be. What mattered was getting up every single day, putting in the time, and staying dedicated. Even as I type those words, I want to put other things in my life, things that I am struggling with, into a different category, not because I should, but because I can. I’m letting doubt creep in, for the first time in a long time.
Doubt is something that doesn’t let you fail, because doubt stops you before you can begin. Sometimes doubt is a good thing. Doubting if you can do something your body or mind implicitly knows you can’t do or are not ready for is a positive form of doubt. Think of trying to lift an amount of weight you know you are not ready for. Trying to do an ultra-marathon when you haven’t been off the couch in a year. Performing in front of a thousand people before you have practiced a single note. There are times where doubt protects you from yourself, from the work you have not put in yet, and can serve as a reminder of what you need to do to get ready. However, for the most part, doubt stops us from failing and achieving something greater.
Doubt protects us from discomfort and failure. But discomfort and failure are not inherently bad. They are the best way to learn. I know and understand that. I have no doubt about that. And yet today, for the first time in a long time, I’m doubting myself. I am doubting the path I have laid down to bring my work to market, to bring my books, to bring DC Reed to the people. I’m secure in what I have created. And it has taken me years to recognize this feeling, this hesitation, for what it is.
I’m not afraid of failure or rejection. Rejection is never pleasant, but I understand that there are lessons to be learned there. I have been in the arts for too long to think that I can please everyone. I have also been in the arts for too long to think that I know everything and that my way, my opinion, is always right. However, right now, I’m acutely aware that it is not a fear of rejection that has stopped me. Doubt is stopping me, not a fear of failure or rejection, but doubt is holding me back and trying to protect me from the pain change can bring.
When you start anything new, no matter how prepared you are, there are always going to be unimaginable failures, setbacks, and struggles. No matter how much you plan ahead, the reality of grinding and continually pushing yourself is always a rude awakening. We are constantly bombarded with overnight success stories and try to measure up to unrealistic expectations of wealth and success. All while not consciously acknowledging the hard work, struggles, and luck that went into creating the story we see. And when reality strikes back at our perfected fantasy, doubt creeps in to protect us from the disappointment that the hard work of life can be.
So as much as I say this to my readers, I am saying this to myself. Let go of doubt. Let it come, acknowledge it, and let it go. Most of the time doubt enters our lives, because we are pushing past our comfort zones. We are trying to go from who we currently are to who we want to be. Doubt should be a guide post, a caution sign at most, but not something that we let stop us. When we are learning and failing, we are inherently doing something greater and growing into being a more well-rounded being. Doubt brings us back to an unfulfilled comfort zone that we were trying to escape. When you achieve your goal, it may not be what you expected, it probably won’t, but if you do not push past the doubt, you will never know. Remember, “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever could” and there is nothing worse than letting your own imagined disappointment hold you back from creating a better tomorrow for yourself and others.
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